Baconater

Ride enough and you’re going to need some new things.  You’ll wear out those poofy-ass shorts more quickly as you up your game.  Bonk your head, new helmet.  Six hours on a bike gives you plenty of time to come up with a multitude of reasons why you need a fancier bike.  Some riders are so intense and dedicated that they wear out their actual mariages and have to get new ones.

I recently killed a saddle.  With the maximus power of my glutes.  I’m the author and I can have this story go any way I want!  Truth is, it was never a great saddle for me and I was being frugal.  One thing about cycling is that if you ask about something, you’ll find out that there is a better version of said thing made of carbon fiber and ground unicorn mane that you must have.

Of all the things…so many things…I didn’t think a saddle was that important of a component.  Fits under my bum, matches the handlebar tape, good enough.  Finally took it to my bike shop where I was told gently it was a PIECE OF SHIT saddle and that I’d need a new one.  Good mechanics don’t pull band-aids off slow.  If something is crap, they’ll tell you it’s crap.   That’s why I go alone because I hate breaking up with friends.

I’ve been riding a road bike for 8 years and out of a desperate need to fit in to this slick and fantastic world, I don’t ask questions.  There are a lot of moving parts and my mouth doesn’t need to be one of them.  I listen a lot but try to keep my contribution to conversations about cassettes and crank arms to a minimum.   All I know for sure is that if you put in a good cassette and crank your arm into the air, it’s now a party.

On that day you decide to upgrade your saddle, and this is a warning specific to female riders with male mechanics, you’re going to have to talk about your bits.  You’re kinda one of the guys but have different bits, right, so bringing them up in casual saddle conversation can be embarrassing.  Not only does everybody poop, but everybody has bits. And different bits need different saddles.

Proper medical terms are going to make it strange here.  This is a bike shop that smells like tires, not a gynecologists’ office.  “I’m having vaginal discomfort” doesn’t fit.   Pet names can turn inadvertently sexual if you accidently bring up a nickname they’ve used in the past.  “Pikachu is sad.”  Awkward!  The words little kids used when they first found theirs ain’t gonna work either.  No two adults should use “Pom-Pom” in a grown up conversation where money is exchanged.

I went with Baconater.  Because I’m dainty.  Have been feeling the need to man up in the peloton.  I was having some trouble with the Baconater so needed to come in for an adjustment.

Everything is fine.  Bike rides like a dream.  The shop dog loves me.  And the new saddle is all that and a side of fries.

To Donate:  Tour For Kids

 

 

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