Negligence

So there’s this thing that I do.  Agree to things.  Not sure when fear shifted position from being the lead in my life to being the after thought.  Fear rode on my handlebars most days through high school.  I may just be, as the lady elders say, getting “dotty”.   Sounds cute!  Like something swishy you wear to look nice at a picnic.

During a visit home for a high school reunion, I was asked to fly up to almost Alaska to join a commercial fishing troller as a deckhand.  As far as skill sets go, I knew how to clean a fish and be on a boat just not thousands of fish and not for weeks at a time.  Was not skilled either at revisiting the place where all my insecurities took root in my soul. Plus i’m a shitty actor so pretending I didn’t recognize the graduation dress that doubled as bridesmaids dresses was too much to bear.  Wasn’t that hard of a decision to get on that plane but it did feel spontaneous and brave.  I wanted to feel that more.

Looking back on some of the “yes” moments in the past, the ones where a pile of fear and doubt crept in immediately following have turned out to be some my best choices.   Co-producing The SheDot Festival this year was a doozie.  Not only do you put all your time and energy out there but your reputation as well.  Deckhanding was slightly less public.  With calm clarity on the other side of it’s success I can let my breath out and say it was a great decision.

Most recently,  have said yes to crewing Race Across America.  A bike race…across America.  The longest annual endurance events in the world. It’ll be like deckhanding for the elite.  No idea what i’m in for but this yes got out before I could stop it.

Negligence becomes evident when you drop balls.  When you let what’s important to you ride in the back seat and what you think that which is expected of you in the front.  This blog, for example. It’s been sittin’.  It’s not that I have nothing to write about, it’s that i’ve got too much momentum from all the yessing that i’m daunted by drafts.  This is my attempt at getting that groove back on.  Like Stella but without the beach sex.  Writing is my selfish love that I wish I could just do for a living and nothing else.  But whatcha gonna write about if you don’t go to some scary places right?

Not making decisions, staying in one place and not putting yourself into a position to be scared is my personal negligence.  Neutral is a shit gear to drive in.  Granted, you need to put it in neutral to get your car washed once in a while, and when there’s something in the way and you have to idle long enough to figure out how to get around it.  But for the love of all things brave, don’t run in that gear.  Coasting.  Going slowly.  Bored with the drive.

Peel out!  Yes first.  Fear second.  High School Reunions last.

“Yup Yup Yup” – Ducky, Land Before Time

 

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